me against the world

it's me against every other living thing. or that is how it feels. Anything nice i turn to bad.
i feel like such a failure i am to fat to be ill but i am too much of a freak to be normal. i dont have a place in this world. I do try to recover but it never works people tell me to stick with it but the thoughts are always too loud. Do i even have anything to recover from ? i just dont know i dont know anything anymore only that i am too fat. i know that much.
Today has been so long like every other day. I fail to see the point. I get out of my bed to burn calories but then i consume them as well :(
I feel like this is impossible for me i dont know any other way of life just this. i dont know what to do.

I miss my friends

I really miss having friends. Having people to talk to and having a laugh with. My best friend L has been here forever but I miss my other friends. The ones who left me when i went into hospital the first time. They hardly even speak to me now and we all used to be inseparable. A tight fun loving group of friends. One of my 'friends' N used to be round my house all the time as soon as i was back at school she wanted to be in the spotlight that i now shied away from but we remained friends. Until recently. It's my fault I dont make the effort anymore to try and fit in with her friends. I dont have the energy. I dont want to be a spare wheel. But i really miss having more than like 2 friends. I am not exaggerating. Its cause i am a ugly freak i get that i just wish things would change.
S x

Another day merges into another week.

Hey guys
This is my first post and i have a feeling i will be using this a lot i have a tumblr if anyone wants it where i mainly post pictures but this is going to be where i am going to do the talking into cyber space.
The days merge together I have no idea what planet I am on right now. I am lost in my own world. The day merges into the night the numbness falls heavy in my chest. The food weighs down my stomach driving my head into a spiral of darkness. No one I have here with me understand that and the hell I am in.
I am trying to pull myself out of it for university in September but right now that seems impossible. Everything seems impossible.
S x